Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Randomize
