You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Randomize
