false alarm. still invincible.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
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