This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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