Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
