Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
