mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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