I got chris browned last night
problem. drunk. stepbrother hitting on me again. help.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
