One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
