I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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