U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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