I want you more than these girls want KFC
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
