no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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