the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize