We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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