I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Randomize
