I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
So squirting runs in the family.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Randomize
