brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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