Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
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I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
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Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
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