Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
We talked him into tasing himself.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Randomize
