just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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