I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
