she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
