I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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