I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Randomize
