So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
I think i got beer on your cat.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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