You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
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