someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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