maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize