he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
The Most Iconic Met Gala Looks The Kardashian’s Have Rocked
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
25 Hilarious ‘Sex Clubs’ You Should Try To Join
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea