just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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