Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
