I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
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