Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
We named our party play list daddy issues
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
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