Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
