We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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