I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
