Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Randomize
