Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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