Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
