just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Randomize
