So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Randomize
