checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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