So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Randomize
