Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
