I'm so fucking centered right now
very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
