I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Randomize
