I need to stop coming to work sober
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
