I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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