Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
