my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
