I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
