you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
