True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
