and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
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